Because it's good to laugh!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Paladin06, Jan 22, 2015.

  1. Paladin06

    Paladin06 Have Guns Will Travel Staff Member Hellcat Car Club Gold Supporting Member

    Sep 3, 2014
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    San Tan Valley, AZ
    Challenger SRT Hellcat
    Stun gun ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a
    guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that

    sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was

    looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came

    across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

    suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,

    allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded

    two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed

    the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of

    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I

    have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that

    it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit

    I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of

    it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
    in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock

    and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

    muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst

    would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish

    out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

    batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"

    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with

    two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my


    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

    side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second

    burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to

    give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs

    to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS


    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

    up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

    over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

    position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

    position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing

    sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to

    herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one

    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

    yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

    your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would

    be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be

    sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what

    little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading

    glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps,

    right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

    Still in shock,

    Last edited: Jan 22, 2015
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